>the function key

Self-defense nightstand

January 28th, 2009 · 55 Comments


The nightstand that quickly converts to a club & buckler shield, for the purposes of self-defense. Just another thing to help you sleep soundly in the big city.

I want one!

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Posted by: kimberly phillips · Tags: design · modern objects

55 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Keyse // Feb 8, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    I love this! Reminds me of the beside gun holder

  • 2 INeedThis // May 20, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    i will bought. give me price

  • 3 William Craig // Jun 29, 2009 at 12:03 am

    how do you purchase one of these self defense night stands

  • 4 Will // Dec 3, 2009 at 3:55 am

    What the diagram doesn’t show is all of your crap crashing to the floor, discovering that the noise was nothing, and replacing everything the next morning.

  • 5 Teddie // Nov 20, 2010 at 9:52 am

    Dear, sir
    I am interested in Self- defense nightstand !
    Can you tell me more about it ?
    How can I order it?
    Price ?
    I am from Indonesia .
    Thank you.

  • 6 skryth // Feb 21, 2011 at 11:18 pm

    Ill just assume that, since you have the time to disassemble the nightstand, you have the time to remove the lamp before doing so.

  • 7 Mike // Feb 21, 2011 at 11:40 pm

    guys, this thing balances on “ONE” leg!

    …just put a baseball bat and a shield next to your bed… it will be so much easier!

  • 8 Sloth // Feb 22, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    1) If someone hits that buckler with any force you will break your arm since there is no padding and the metal bar isn’t shaped for you.

    2) It is a table that you can;t use as a table, unless you don’t mind dropping all of your stuff.

    3) I can totally see someone stepping on that little metal pin sticking out of the plate after they have thrown their phone to the floor in order to beat up a crackhead, then needing to call 911 for the broken arm.

  • 9 Terry // Feb 24, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    would be significantly better if the shield could stop a bullet

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  • 11 Tartessos // Feb 28, 2011 at 8:54 am

    Sloth apparently has bird bones.

  • 12 Isaac // Feb 28, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Sloth, your vagina is showing……

  • 13 AnyEveryThing // Mar 11, 2011 at 8:44 pm

    Or, you could do as I do: keep a loaded XD .45 magnetized to the bottom of my nightstand. Just put a big magnet inside your drawer, and the gun will stick right to the underside… invisible unless you know its there. If you need it, just reach under and pull it off, much better and practical than this.

  • 14 Alan Magida // Mar 14, 2011 at 10:43 pm

    What if the perp is there to steal your night-table?

  • 15 WILLIAM2 // Mar 15, 2011 at 5:38 am

    It is illegal to defend yourself in Australia.
    If you win the fight you lose the Courtcase :(

  • 16 Max // Mar 19, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    I love this. I work at Medieval Times I have a shield and Ax on my wall. In the dark and the intruder not knowing where you are. You have the advantage . This can work.
    Hide in the shadows,backhand them in face with the shield then smash their knee(harder to block) ,arm then head shot.

  • 17 Stonesy // Mar 25, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    If anyone could break your arm through that buckler they’d have probably broken your arm without it there. I’d prefere the buckler padding as opposed to none at all.
    Nice idea, I’d buy one if I had money to burn.

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  • 19 mac // Mar 27, 2011 at 10:00 am

    great idea to remove cash
    from some dam fool’s
    bank account

    if was that full of fear

    would not sleep with some fool
    shield and small club

    how about a little 9mm CZ-85
    or 12 gage shot gun

  • 20 MrBurrows // Apr 1, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    Okay, quick note to all the “use a gun for self-defence” people, Not everyone wants to kill the intruder, and many people are oppose to guns. Learn to assess a product from other people’s view point.

  • 21 Doug // Apr 1, 2011 at 9:17 pm

    As much as I love the devolution of this conversation, can we please spell gauge and defense correctly? Just, look smart. It’ll pay off while you’re bagging groceries at the local Dollar General. One day they’ll recognize your talent and let you lead a department. A small one first, maybe the cosmetics. Then, when you’ve proven your worth, just maybe you’ll get the chance you’ve always wanted. All because you looked smarter than you are able to articulate.

  • 22 Johnny McFutureTimeNow // Apr 3, 2011 at 5:59 am

    Being opposed to guns for self defense is like being opposed to using electronics for communication. You don’t have to kill someone when using a gun either. Having said that, dead intruders never sue.

  • 23 Mcdoodle McDoodlehead // Apr 6, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    Very true that having a handgun doesn’t mean you have to kill said person.
    However in many situations the people that hide a handgun have it turned against them since they NEVER have even fired it before.
    Best bet is to have a cell phone next to you , no land line , and call the police , throw the matress against the bedroom door and say in the room , its called insurance for a reason.

  • 24 TimmyProblemSolver // Apr 6, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    Um…. So to be clear…
    You take your alarm clock, water, alkazelsers and (for those single men your PB and Vaseline)
    and throw it on the floor to convert your nightstand who’s MAIN PURPOSE is to house said things, to go fight the bump in the night…..

    Why not have a real club and shield morons!

  • 25 Markos // Apr 10, 2011 at 10:51 pm

    LOL @ Mcdoodlehead
    “Very true that having a handgun doesn’t mean you have to kill said person.
    However in many situations the people that hide a handgun have it turned against them since they NEVER have even fired it before.
    Best bet is to have a cell phone next to you , no land line , and call the police , throw the matress against the bedroom door and say in the room , its called insurance for a reason.”

    Very RARELY do people get their handgun wrestled away from them by the perpetrator, and most people who legally have firearms know how to use them, this is coming from an American who asserts his right to defend himself. I don’t shoot every day and i’m not some delta force combat bad ass. but I, along with most responsible gun owners know how to use a firearm. you dolt.
    Insurance isn’t but a piece of paper that will pay your families fees for your funeral because you decided not to defend yourself.

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  • 27 Gazman // Jun 10, 2011 at 12:41 am

    The problem with weapons is that they can get into the wrong hands. If two people enter your premises and each one grabs each arm and takes your sheild and club they will likely do to you what you were going to do to them. If you have intruders in your home nothing is as good as a gun as you don’t have to get anywhere near the intruder for it to be affective 😉

  • 28 Rob // Jun 17, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    It will help during the Zombie Apocalypse….

  • 29 Richy // Jun 24, 2011 at 2:48 am

    Is there one for left handers?

  • 30 Self Defense Gun Person // Jul 1, 2011 at 1:24 am

    hahahaha @ MrBurrows and Mcdoodlehead.

    if u let someone close enough to take your gun and turn it on you thats your problem and you should never have had the gun. In order for it to be for self defense you have to be able to keep it on you and be able to fire it……9 times out of 10 if you fire into the air the perp will run screaming from your house…..we are programmed to avoid danger to our personage:) I personally can hit someone with my Glock 23 from 35 yards in the kneecaps….or in the head…. if they are in my house, I will stop the threat they pose on my family with the full means at my disposal…..whether I deem it one shot or 14. They had the option to not come into my house…I did not have the option to not let them into my house :)

  • 31 austin // Jul 11, 2011 at 5:24 am

    Winchester silver tipped hollow points in 45 Automatic Colt Pistols. Just in case its a werewolf.

  • 32 Mariah // Jul 27, 2011 at 1:08 am

    @Rob @austin. High fives for trolling the conversation

  • 33 lame lando // Aug 12, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    Screw the guns, i’d get more satisfaction for beating someone :)

  • 34 ben // Aug 17, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    @self defence gun person
    Willing to let off up to 14 rounds in your house to protect your family? After you’re done shooting your family will most likely be leaking blood from your rapid fire in your home you fucking moron. Who the fuck let you have a gun?

  • 35 Blutto // Aug 20, 2011 at 10:42 pm

    lol . . . what Mike said . . . lol

  • 36 Hank // Aug 24, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    Is it bad that when I seen this all I thought of was zombies?

  • 37 Swampy // Sep 26, 2011 at 8:44 pm


    Just because YOU don’t know how to handle a firearm doesn’t mean that the rest of us are inept. My home is well protected with FIREARMS. And, yes, even the kids are proficient in their use and know which walls in the house will NOT stop a bullet and which ones will. Either way, the only time ANYONE in this house will stop shooting at an intruder is when we are OUT OF AMMUNITION! (And we all LOVE high capacity magazines!)

  • 38 renobartender // Nov 17, 2011 at 10:50 pm

    wait just a minute before you beat the hell out of me. I have to unscrew this table leg, wait, wait wait…..AGGHHHHH!!!!!!

  • 39 Augustus // Dec 4, 2011 at 10:45 am

    A 12 gauge is over kill, the best FIREARM for home defense is a .20 gauge pump. Birdshot in an enclosed space will stop anyone, except Chuck Norris.

  • 40 daver // Dec 21, 2011 at 10:55 pm

    Most people that stop aggression with a gun never report it because of all the BS u have to go through when u do. U dont how many people have stopped the bad guy with a gun but its way more than reported and they are seldom fired in the process.

    On the other hand if Chuck Norris decides to become a thief I’ll just go to house and give him all my stuff.

    Nothing can stop Chuck

  • 41 Mark // Mar 5, 2012 at 12:23 am

    I have 5pc’s of this table, i take 300$ for them each . sent me a mail if you want ..

  • 42 paul // Jun 19, 2012 at 10:18 am

    why is this not for sale someone realy needs to get into production of these i mean for a country thats not all carrying guns its a perfect bit of piece of mind also ideal for the eventual zombie apocalypse your ready even while tucked up in bed so whoever was the genius behind this get it into production now there is a need for your furniture/weaponry so please i beg you start making and selling these

  • 43 paul // Jun 19, 2012 at 10:36 am

    and for all the people commenting about unscrewing it look at the angle of the bat on the base screwing or unscrewing would not be possible it just slots together and for all the people commenting on there guns more people are shot in accidental home shooting in america than actual home defence so …..

  • 44 Steeltalons // Aug 24, 2012 at 10:01 pm

    Hey, I keep a 15″ steel buckler (14 gauge sheet-metal) and a decent replica of a medieval war-hammer close at hand (as well as a level IIa ballistic vest, if I have time to throw it on). I prefer a gun, but I have small kids, and can’t afford a fancy “quick access” pistol safe right now. The worst they can do to themselves with the hammer is drop it on their toes (and maybe learn not to play with it after that…). Who needs this gimmicky thing?

  • 45 ollie // Sep 22, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Soooo you cant buy this anywhere or?

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  • 47 Hernan Green // Dec 16, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    Greeting from the US. How much is this item, and how can it be ordered. There does not seem to be navigation from this page. Yes, I do like it because while of course a gun may offer more protection, I’d rather injure and disable an intruder than kill. Just a personal choice, though I respect that others may disagree.

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  • 50 realist // Jun 8, 2013 at 1:32 am

    This is gay. Buy a shotgun. If you live in a state that doesn’t allow you to have a gun then maybe this will give the intruder a good laugh before he shoots you in liberal fag face.

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  • 52 Peter Foryu // Aug 11, 2015 at 12:33 am

    I’ll need this for when my friends pull another prank on me lol

  • 53 Daniel // Feb 1, 2016 at 7:22 pm

    Where can I get one ???

  • 54 rich // Aug 20, 2016 at 2:38 am

    VAGINA can stop any intruder.

  • 55 marcos // Sep 22, 2016 at 9:35 pm

    stupidest piece of useless skit i’ve ever seen.
    comments are mostly humorous tho’.